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Happily Married Biker

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,
eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave
yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave
me alone, I'm married'!"
DRUNKEN GEORGE

George came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinkin' drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who
was already asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the
end of his bedwearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' demanded George, 'and what are you doing in my
bedroom? The mysterious man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St.  Peter'. George was stunned 'You mean I'm
dead!!! That can't be, I have so much  to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family...you've got to send me back straight away!

St Peter replied 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.  We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' George was
devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he
felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen,  how
are you enjoying your first day here?' 'It's not so bad' replies George, 'but I have this strange feeling  inside like I'm about to
explode'.'You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'. 'Never' replies George. 'Well just
relax and let it happen.' And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An
immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got  the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time.  When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen
was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he  felt
an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
'George, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed !'
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you
were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't
run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke,
"Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of
paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours.
Aurther Davidson & God
The Dead Cow and Vet School .

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their  
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with  
a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In  
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as  
a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving  
the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,  
stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck  
his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students  
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns  
sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The  
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle  
finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention.  
Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
GOTTA PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded
to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husband was con cerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed
hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst...
my wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''